An Ode

Hi friends. The time has come to shut down Chicken Librarian. If you follow me on social media, you might have already seen this declaration. But in case you don’t follow me, I wanted to say a special good bye here. I started Chicken Librarian 7 years ago after I left a job that was very demanding and I felt drained. I was scared and really didn’t know what the future held, but I knew I always wanted to start a homesteading business. I had been homesteading for a few years at that time and had seen how other homesteaders and makers had seen some success and I wanted to give it a go. I was self taught, even though my dad grew up on a working homestead. He had eschewed farming and homesteading and turned to modern ways of life. And while I don’t blame him, I ended up embracing that way of life. I enjoyed growing things, making things, watching my chickens run around and be chickens. I could see how it could grow into a business and how I could one day have my very own farmette.

But that’s not where life took me. Instead, life became a lot of running around and taking care of things and people. Then life took a turn. I thought that turn was for the worse, but it turns out it was for the better. That turn ended up saving my life, even though there were times I didn’t think I would survive. I’ve seen really good moments where I am happy these past 3 years, but I’ve also seen some of the heaviest and darkest days. I couldn’t understand why. I’d left behind a marriage that was doomed. I healed from that. I could see how much better off I was. I was so unhappy in that marriage. It was never going to be a successful marriage It was a one-sided, with me giving everything, sacrificing, working hard, and getting no where. So what’s the deal? Why am I so unhappy?

These past few months have been some of the hardest of my life. I have been stuck in a cycle of self-doubt, anger, unhappiness, almost reverting back to who I was before I went to therapy and grew as a person. What the heck? I’ve been isolating myself so I could deal with everything. I felt like I was just making one wrong choice after another. I was trying to get the business back to where I wanted it to be and to see it grow. But every time I would sit down to do something I froze. I would get anxious. I would cry. Sometimes I would beg and plead that I didn’t want to be doing this!! Who says that about their business? And why?

So. Fast forward to the past couple of weeks. I’m trying to find a job here in TN. It’s not been easy. Most jobs have been entry level and not enough to cover the bills. I’ve been hustling to fill in the gaps. I haven’t been taking care of myself. Everything is suffering. And I kept thinking ‘what is wrong with you. You have a place to live, you can build your business here and see where it goes”. I kept holding on. But holding on was not what I needed to do. Letting go is where the future starts. But I couldn’t figure it out. Up until last night. Last night I begged and pleaded one more time then I picked up the phone and had a conversation with someone who wouldn’t judge me for begging and pleading. And once I was able to talk it out I recognized that I have been holding onto something that has a negative impact in my life. It’s like I am trying to bring the past with me each time I try to step into Chicken Librarian. And when I tried to change my name and my offerings, I wasn’t letting go of CL completely. I was still bringing her with me, along with the negativity I have associated with her. So. The time has come to say goodbye.

She has served me so well over these past 7 years. I have had some really good times with her. I’ve met some amazing people because of her. I’ve really held her close and I will miss her. But it’s time. It’s past time. She needs to live in my memory as a good one that helped me through some really hard times. This isn’t the end for me. This is just the beginning. I have a new plan and a new way forward without Chicken Librarian. I’m excited to see where this next phase takes me. I can finally breathe and step into being this new woman that I’ve always dreamt of being. There’s no one stopping me now, not even myself! As I say goodbye to you all and to Chicken Librarian, I wanted to also say a special thank you. I will miss you and I wish you well. I will be closing out all things CL shortly. Take good care and stay in touch via email or texting! And if you are local to Knoxville, I would love to start building my community here. I’ve missed having a community! I am looking forward to seeing you soon. xoxo